This post is late because I needed a few days to gather my thoughts and how I wanted to express my feelings.
On Monday, December 18, 2017, I logged into my Instagram to see the news that Jonghyun from Shinee has passed away. At first, I thought it was a hoax, but I did more research and it is true.
According to the recent reports, Jonghyun sent a text message to his older sister on Monday, suggesting he will end his life. Later that day he was found unconscious at a private hotel in Seoul, when he was brought to the hospital he was pronounced dead. He was only 27 years old. Apparently, Jonghyun was suffering from depression and it is too much for him.
In the text messages Jonghyun’s last words to his sister were:
“Final farewell” while another said, “I’ve had a hard time. Please let me go and say that I did a good job. This is my last word.”
As stated in an article by Global News, Yonhap news agency said authorities found burned coal briquettes, which produce carbon monoxide, in a frying pan in the Gangham district apartment (Global News). It has been confirmed yet if the cause of death is suicide, but many people think JongHyun has taken his own life.
Two weeks prior to his death, Kim sends a message a friend who is also a Kpop star from the group Dear Cloud. Jang was told by Kim to post the text to social media “if he disappears from the world.” This is what was said in the letter.
I was broken from the inside.
The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.
I could not beat the negativity.
I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.
I’d rather stop if I cannot breathe.
I asked who could be responsible for me.
You’re the only one.
I felt utterly alone.
It is easy to say “I’m going to end it.”
It is very difficult to actually go through with it.
I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.
I told myself that it’s just me wanting to run away from everything.
It’s true. I really did want to run away.
I asked, “Who’s there?” It’s me. It’s me again. And it’s me the third time.
I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it’s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault.
I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn’t. They never met me before.
I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live “just because.”
If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn’t bear it any longer.
Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.
Pain is just pain.
I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.
Why? Why can’t I even end my life with my own will?
I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.
I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It’s all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.
Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I used to think that it’s so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.
It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.
The only answer I got back was “just live nevertheless.”
Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It’s for you.
I wanted to do it for me.
Please don’t say things you don’t know.
How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I’m suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?
I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.
It wasn’t my responsibility to go against the world.
It wasn’t my path to become world-famous.
That’s why they say it’s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it.
It’s a miracle that I endured through it all this time.
What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.”
You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.
Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don’t send me off blaming me.
You suffered a great deal.
This is so heartbreaking to read and see how much he was suffering in silence. This is why it is so important to end the stigma surrounding mental health, no should be shamed for going through hardships. Everyone dealing with depression or anxiety should feel like they can go to someone for help, instead of feeling ashamed.
I will remember Jonghyun as someone who lived his dream to be a singer, to perform on stage and to be loved by many of his fans. It is true that there are some people in the public who badmouth Kpop stars, and it is true they have insane pressure and expectations from the Kpop industry. But they are human too and they don’t deserve to be treated so harshly, to point where they feel they have to take their own life.
Kim Jonghyun’s was heavenly he added something extra special to his group, Shinee. Shinee debuted in 2008 with five members Taemin, Jonghyun, Key, Onew, and Minho.
I discovered their music in 2013, I’ve listened to their songs during some happy times in my life. I remember listening to their song “View” in the car on my way to my friend’s cottage for her Bachelorette party. Every time I listened to their music it was during a happy moment in my life. I’m sad Jonghyun will no longer be among us to hear his angelic voice and see his beautiful smile.
There is something alarming that’s happening in the fandom right now, many fans are committing suicide after finding out the news. If you are part of the fandom and you are reading this, please do not kill yourself. Please, I am begging you. I understand you are hurting but that’s not the way to deal with the pain. Jonghyun would want you to stay alive and remember him with a smile. His family has the worst time coping with this but they are not resorting to extremes, so please stop and don’t do it.
Let’s remember him with a smile and send off this angel to heaven to sing and be at peace. Remember time heals.
Rest in peace and thank you for bringing beautiful music into this dark and harsh world.
Below I will share some of his solo music videos and the first Shinee music video I ever discovered.
Thank you so much for reading! See you soon.